Contemplation

I know you've all read about my attending the funeral of my friend, Justin Marcucci.  I walked away from it feeling uplifted and hopeful, still sad, but mostly grateful and blessed.  His brother shared a talk about Justin not living with resentment, anger, or malice towards others.  He left this life with no ill will towards anyone and could honestly say that there are very few, if any, who ever remained offended or mad at him--he would apologize and ask for forgiveness, just as he knew the Lord expected of him. 

It made me think....could I say the same thing?  My honest answer is no.  I cried for several hours after the funeral, not because of my sadness about Justin, but because of my sadness towards myself and my shame.  It isn't easy to admit this, openly admit this, but I still harbor sad and mad feelings towards certain people or situations.  Either way, I need to work on forgiving others.  I most definitely need to work on my forgiveness, because that is what I would want others to do for me.  Not to mention, I know the Lord expects it of me.  It is what the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, allows everyone to do...to forgive others, no matter for what reason.  It will take time, but I will focus my energy to do so.

But that's not why I'm writing this.  I'm writing in hopes that whomever reads this will know that I wish I could do this in person, to sit and talk to sincerely apologize for my actions, attitude, and words if I have ever knowingly or UNknowingly offended you or hurt you.  It may not mean as much coming from this posting, but I have genuinely put much thought into my need to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Please forgive me for my outspoken manner, my opinionated comments, my sassy remarks, my lack of compassion..the list could go ON and ON.  But I'm truly sorry and hope you know I am trying my best to improve.  It may not seem like it on the outside, I may still put my foot in my mouth (which I'm so often known to do :), but I want to know that if anything ever happened to me, that I would knowI tried...I tried to apologize, ask for forgiveness and express my love to all those with whom I associate and am friends and family with.  In fact, I pulled my parents, sisters, niece, and nephews aside over the weekend to tell each of them how much I loved them, truly loved them.  If something were to happen, I don't want them to ever wonder if their daughter, sister, or Aunt loved them or not, cause the answer is ABSOLUTELY!

With all that being said, thank you for taking the time to read this (if you lasted this long) .  I appreciate the friendships I have developed over the years, even if only for a season and the love I feel from my family.  I am truly blessed with an AMAZING husband, who is the love of my life and the most thoughtful, sweet, tender, understanding and tolerant man.  He is an incredible daddy and continually shows the boys how much he loves playing, goofing around, joking, laughing, and loving he is.  Thanks babe, I love you.

Enough already!  Geesh, the sap is just flowing!  Sorry!  I'll stop now.  Wish I could reach out my arms and give you all a hug, but instead...I'll send my love.