Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A Simple Phrase and a Loss

On my last post I know I mentioned trying to figure out my next few blogging adventures.  I think I'm gonna try to catch up, but need to get a few things that are happening right now blogged about so I can keep moving forward (in a personal sense).  And since also mentioned that I was going through some personal things, I think I'm getting to the point where I can actually talk about some of them. 

Probably the number one thing I'm working through in my life right now is that about a week and a half ago, I had a miscarriage.  This was my 3rd miscarriage, but so different than the other 2, for multiple reasons.  With the first one, I knew from the very beginning, something was wrong--it just didn't feel right.  So when I started to cramp and bleed, it wasn't all that surprising.  The second one didn't get past a yolk sack, so in my mind, despite that I  was pregnant, it wasn't a baby.  But this one, I was close to 10 weeks, and when I had the ultrasound and saw the little bean, I was so excited!  The technician pushed the sound button and there was no heartbeat.  I immediately started bawling, feeling so completely sad and let down.  A million thoughts flooded my mind in such a short amount of time.  Despite that this pregnancy took us a little by surprise, we were excited and felt like this was the way Heavenly Father was telling us that there's another little spirit for our family.  So if it was meant to be, why would we lose the baby?  We hadn't told hardly anyone we were expecting, but we had told our boys--afterall, I was 2 weeks past the timing of the other 2 miscarriages, so we thought we were safe.  Thinking about having to tell them the baby died in my belly was an excruciating thought.  The technician gave us a moment and went to go get the nurse.  When she came in, she gave me a quick hug and ushered us to a back room, where we could have sometime to come to grips with what we had just learned and marinate in our thoughts--our baby had no heartbeat--there would be no baby--oh my gosh, again?--how are we gonna tell the boys?--sooooo sad!  She came in and told us our options.  After having experienced a miscarriage on my own, I refused to do it again and requested a D&C (dilation and curettage).  We scheduled it for 7am the next morning.  We sat there a little longer and then went out the back door, so I didn't have to face or see anyone.

** Before I go on, I would like to make a disclaimer--I mostly talk about me in this post, but I would like to say just how AMAZING Jared was through all of this.  He was sad and emotional, but he was solid and my rock.  He listened, he helped, helped some more, and let me feel what I was feeling and more than anything, was understanding.  He has done his best to be a loving husband, a great daddy, and still try to cope with everything on his own, as well.  I love you Jared and I'm so grateful for you and your love!! **

Jared and I went to the car and made a plan for the rest of the day and how we were going to tell the boys.  Then I drove home, crying uncontrollably.  I called my mom and we cried together.  She was kind enough to offer to call my dad and siblings to tell them the sad news.  I went home and told my sister, Candice (who happened to be watching Dylan and Aiden).  She was amazing and immediately went into  "help mode" and took the day off to be an emotional support and help me try to still function.  As the day progressed, Jared picked the boys up from school and we came home and had a little family meeting to tell them what had happened and what was going to happen in the morning.  Conner was sad, but didn't show too much emotion, just some sad little tears that ran down his face. Oliver was so tender, he ran to me and cried in my arms.  Dylan was very matter of fact--the baby died in my mom's belly--he reitterated that multiple times as the day went on, kind of like he was trying to make sense of it.  The rest of the day was a blur.  That night as we were saying prayers and prepping the boys for the morning (since we would be at the hospital), little Oliver came up to me, hugged me, rubbed my belly and said, "Good bye baby".  How sweet is that?  I started bawling all over again.  Oliver is so tender, I can always rely on him giving me an emotional moment to always remember...thank you Ollie, you'll never know how much that meant to me.

When I talked to one of my dear friends, I cried and told her my feelings.  Amongst them were that I've had 7 pregnancies and ONLY have 4 boys to show for it.  In a very kind and loving way, she then said, "Not to take anything away from what you're feeling, but it's not that you ONLY have 4 boys, but you have 4 amazing and beautiful boys!"  That simple phrase made me totally rethink the situation.  YES!  I have 4 beautiful, crazy, fun, stinky, hilarious boys!!  Not only 4 boys, but 4 BOYS!  Does that make sense?  Thank you, Julie.  Not only for reminding me of my precious gifts, but for helping me cope in a different way! (oh, and the super yummy dinner too!)

So many thoughts and feelings have happened over the last week.  I know I've probably overloaded you already, but there's one last thing I would like to share that has truly helped me.  This thought has been a major influencing factor in helping me cope with the loss of my baby.  I went and talked a therapist and something she said clicked with me--not that it was something I didn't already know or have heard before, but maybe it was just the way she said it. Irregardless, it has helped.  She said, "There is a spirit and it needs a body, but for some reason, just not that body.  That body wasn't going to allow it to perform all that it needs to do here on this earth.  It wasn't going to allow it to reach its full potential and it needs a different body."  Thank you.  It's helped, it really has.  Take it for what it's worth to you, but for me, it's helped me accept the loss a little more willingly.

And for any of you out there that have experienced a miscarriage or something similar, I'm so sorry for you. I'm sorry for your loss, for your heartache, for your sadness. Maybe something I've said will help you know you're not alone and let you know I'm here if you want to talk or need a listening ear. I'm trying to realize and remember through all this that:
1) I'm strong!!!!! (gotta keep reminding myself)
2) I get to be sad and it's ok
3) I know my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of me
4) I'm so incredibly grateful for the children I do have and get to love/hug everyday!

Ok. That's all for now.  I know part of the healing/grieving process is to be able to talk about it and the fact that I can, surprisingly makes me happy.  I know I'll be sad and grieve for a while, but this is a small step to feeling like my heart isn't hurting so bad.  So thank you for letting me share, for hanging in there through this post, and for reading.  I'm sure I'll be seeing some of you, so give me hug and let me know you're there :)  I'll try to post soon, but if I don't, you'll know why.  Thanks again.


  1. Amanda, I know I already told you in person, but I want you to know how very sorry I am for your (and your family's) loss. I talked to Jared tonight, and it is clear that he's feeling it too. If you guys need anything at all, please call me. I promise not to break anyone's arm this time. :) I also wanted to tell you what a huge blessing it was to run into you the other day. I know you said you felt like you completely unloaded on me, but listening to you was a blessing, an answer to lots of prayers. I've been thinking about your and praying for you since then. *hugs*

  2. Amanda, I'm so so very sorry. I am aching so much for you and your family. I ache for your sweet children that are missing this new baby. I ache for all of the grief you are feeling now and will continue to feel. You are such an amazing and loving mother and have been such a wonderful friend to me, especially through my loss. I love you and am always here for you!

  3. Oh Amanda!! I am so very sorry for your loss!! I cried as I read this post! I have never had to experience a miscarriage at all and the thought devastates me. I truly can't imagine what you are going through, but my heart does ache for you! Hugs!!!